So today everything was new.  I am embracing the anonymity of my shadow.  Did i finally manage to run away? I don't really know, but at least it gives me the chance to wash myself away from darkness.  At least i can try to find myself again.  There is no promise of healing, but it's good enough from me.

I want to put a sign on my door saying "KEEP OUT" to say that i don't need any distraction.

"MEN AT WORK" to say I'm busy fixing what was broken.


"BIO HAZARD" to say i am contagious and too miserable to be around happy people.  I hate them.

"EXIT ONLY" to say once you passed through this door you can never ever go back. So please don't call me anymore.


"DON'T DISTURB" to say i am not interested to exchange courtesy because you don't have a heart and you are without a soul. so be gone!

Thank you for teaching me how to die and live to learn from it. And thank you for the people who made sure I'll live through it.

Thank you for giving me hope to wait and stand still. Thank you teaching me to let go
of hope and see reality as it is.

Thank you for the experience of love and the absence of it.

Thank you for the humility nature has thought me.

Thank you for the insecurities that threatened me.  I realized I am average, whatever average means.

"Here comes the sun, here comes the sun, and I say it's all right ..."

Oh well everything is doing great. I'm starting to get my life back on track. I'm starting to plan for my life.  I can say I am satisfied. This is the good thing about breaking apart, the chance you get to fix what was broken, and this is as close as i can get to happiness. So forward i go.

 

You were online 4 days ago it says, amazing how the internet can make it easy to stalk somebody.  I just had to see it, so i can knock some sense in my head.  To see that you are living your life and not remember that you broke me.  To see that you are happy while everything around me falls apart into little pieces. To live as if i never existed.
To see that you are okay with what you did to me.  To see that you have moved on while i'm still grieving over losing my everything.
Anyway....I wish you all the happiness.  I know now that you're really not coming back.  I waited too long and I can't wait anymore.  I need to move on too.

I want to tell them how painful it has been since you left me. But they don't want to hear it anymore and i want to talk no more. So i just keep it all in, and cry hard when nobody is looking. It is just too much to bear, like I'm suffocating...like i'm dying. And I don't want to get out of bed, like I can die right there. Then it will all be over.
I hate how i cry everyday. And it doesn't matter where I am. My heart falls apart with every memory of what used to be. It's the way you go that makes it even more harder, because I gave you all my best. I gave my all.
I choke up each time someone asks about you. They want to know how you are, and your whereabouts. And I lie telling them you are doing fine and that you are still around, and maybe lie a little more, if they ask if we are still together. I'm just not strong enough to tell them that you have forgotten me. I can't tell them the truth without breaking down into pieces. So i have to make the conversation as short as possible then run fast to the door.
I'm trying my best not to think about you. I'm trying to put my life together until this pain fades away.

You just killed that hopeful bitch waiting for your return. I never really liked her. She was very annoying. I would have killed her myself. I always tell her that you will never comeback, but she insisted that you can never do such a horrible thing. But we proved her wrong, didn't we? She was always searching for your face in the crowd. She sometimes throw a second glance in her hope to see you in the same corner where you used to be. Everyday, she waits and hopes to receive a message from you. She said one message should be enough to wait for another lifetime just to be with you. She didn't need any apology from you, to see you again is more that she could ask for. But you failed her. You killed her with such cruelty. You took away her everything. She had faith in you. She loved you with everything that she has. But you hurt her, just like all the others before her. You killed her.

I know it is a brain damage procedure but like you said it is better than heavy drinking. So I need you to replace my memory. I need you to erase him from my mind. I want to forget everything about him because I can't remember anything without him. I remember how he seats few inches away from me. How he likes to hold my hand. I remember when he said he doesn't want to be without me. I remember when he asked me to stay and never leave. I remember how he tells me his plans and where he wants to take me. I remember how he tries to hold us together. I want all those memory to vanish. I want to forget that he ever existed. I want to forget how he smiles and raise his eyebrow playfully. I want to forget how he cries over a silly romantic movie or over some heartbreaking story showed on tv. I want to forget how he giggles and get all mushy over a romantic song, and pretend like it's his own. I want to forget how i memorized his expressions. And how i could easily read him from inside out. And how i can hear him without speaking. I want to forget how he always say "save the best for last" when eating a burger or other unhealthy food. I want to forget how he would constantly lessons me how to drive safely. I want to forget how he sweetly sound when he wakes up, like a child so gentle and fragile. I want to forget how he sleeps on my shoulder. I want to forget how he tightly holds me. I want to forget how he smells. Take it all away. Make me forget everything Erase the last few days before he left. I don't want to remember those anymore. I want to forget him the way he forgotten me. I want to forget that he already forgotten me. Shall we start?

Sometimes your own subconciousness can betray you.  I don't know if dreams are supposed to work for you or against you.  They said dream is a way of communication of our body, mind and spirit in a symbolic communicative environmental state of being. But c'mon my dreams should not tell me things i already know.

Because i keep dreaming about you. I keep having the same dream about you.  I keep reliving  my pain.  It gives me relief to wake up from you, but my body will only put me back to sleep only to dream about you again.  It is like i'm seeing my heart die infront of me simultaneously on a thousand flat tv screen.

You were always standing away from me. And I was just staring at you waiting for the right moment to get close.  Waiting for you to look at me and see how much pain you left me with.  But you never catch my eyes.  You were always looking away from me and mindless of my existence. Sometimes i desperately scream out your name, but you never hear my call. You never come back. You just fade away to a place where i can never find you.

However last night was particularly different, because i was alone with you. I'm finally given the chance to understand why you left the way you did. I want to understand why you don't notice that you are without me.

"Why?" i said bravely.

I was holding my breath like i'm waiting for my death to hit me on my chest. I just need to hear it from you.  I just need to know.

"I dont love you", you said.

Then i died.  Breathless.  Motionless.

Slowly I opened my eyes. Confused. And still alive. DAMN!! It was just another dream.

SIGH! I'm awake to relive another death...to relive a thousand death.

 

 

I feel I'm too broken to be around people. I am too broken to go to work and function. I'm too damaged. I wanted to pretend as if nothing is wrong. But people loves to slow down to look at the wreckage. Everybody can see I'm shattered into pieces. I feel dead each time i wake up in the morning. I can't stand the fact that you've been gone for a while but i still cry over it like it was a minute ago. I want to replace my memory and erase you from it. Forget your name, and everything else about you. Everything about us. But I'm still standing where you left me. Stuck in disbelief that you're now gone. You broke me. And i don't know how to fix this.